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Philippians 4:11-13

12/20/2013

10 Comments

 
When I think about adjectives I'd use to describe myself, I don't know if "happy" is one of them anymore. I think that's a natural part of life, though; it's not that I'm so depressed or angry that I can't be happy. I enjoy my work. I look forward to coming home and seeing my wife. I have a good time when I'm together with friends and family. I like writing and recording and reading and eating and all sorts of other activities. There are plenty of things that make me happy. But happiness, for me, is more subdued and transitory these days.

I've attended more funerals in the last few years than I have in my entire life. I've watched relationships break apart, watched people break apart with the turmoil and loss in their lives. I know what it feels like to be unemployed; I know what it feels like to feel uncertain about the job I do have. Visits to the doctor and the auto repair shop have gone from rarity to routine. I am acutely aware of how dangerous it can be to drive on some of the roads I frequent. I have become so attuned to the regrets and pains and fears of this life that it seems impossible, or at least irresponsible, to tune them out. I can hardly spend money anymore without thinking of how many people might starve to death tomorrow because I wanted to go out for steak, or how every tiny purchase of "just a couple bucks" is ultimately keeping me from saving up for anything I truly want or need. I don't get more than mildly excited about new movies and video games anymore, because past experience has taught me that I'm likely to be disappointed if I expect anyone from the current generation of filmmakers and developers to deliver anything worth getting excited over. I'm too jaded and preoccupied to be the happy, carefree kid I used to be.

What's liberating about being a Christian is the reassurance that I don't need to worry about this life. I could quote scripture about learning to be content in all circumstances and trusting that all my needs will be met, but I try not to preach what I don't always practice. I've learned to be self-sufficient, and it's often a challenge to let go of that need to be the one in control, even when it's a matter that's clearly beyond my control. I have no doubt that I'd be happier to accept things as they happen and make the most of every situation, good or bad...but at heart, I'm too much of an idealist to "go with the flow" when I think things should be different or should be up to me to change.

What do I do, then? Compromise my idealism? I tried that recently, and the only way to live with myself has been to stop caring altogether. "Insensitive, standardless, but happy" isn't really what I'm going for here. I want to have the kind of faith and confidence that's resistant to worry. I need to be proved wrong every once in a while when I start making assumptions about how bad things are or will be. I ought to spend more time with the people and activities that recharge my positive outlook. I can still recognize and process sadness, anxiety, and failure, but I can satisfy that desire for control by doing everything in my power to ensure those feelings don't overtake the happiness in my life. I wager it's just as unhealthy to let something repress your happiness as it is to let something repress the negative feelings that need some room inside you to breathe.

I think that's my big resolution for the New Year: rediscovering the kind of lasting and vibrant happiness I used to enjoy.
10 Comments
Jasini link
12/23/2013 12:45:48 pm

Dear Nathaniel,
I've been trying to think and pray for the last couple of days of an encouraging word to send you. After all, I don't know you, you don't know me (though you have had some internet interaction with my son, No-Lynch). I have no idea whether anything I say will actually be of help or not.
First of all, I think you might appreciate Sarah Hoyt's blog (accordingtohoyt.com). Or not. I don't know where you stand politically.
Second, God never promised us we wouldn't go through rough times, just that he'd be there to give us strength to go through them. God *can* cause all things to work together for good, but that doesn't mean that all things *are* good. Especially while you're going through them.
Third, I don't think you need to feel guilty about occasionally going out for a steak dinner. Remember, Jesus was called a glutton and wine-bibber (in a time of wide-spread poverty worse than any we see in the US today). I'm not saying you should go out and party like the Prodigal Son, but you can take the time to enjoy your food. (And Google+, though an annoyance, really isn't a moral issue. ;-) )
We're going through a bit of a rough spell ourselves. Our car is older than our son, and we have no money to replace it, and little to repair it. Some time soon (maybe even past time) it'll no longer be worth it to repair it. My husband's job in the past year took him from hourly to salary, which meant that his take-home pay went down drastically, and we had to adjust the budget accordingly.
Anyway, I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope things start looking up for you. ((hugs))

Reply
Jasini link
12/23/2013 12:48:06 pm

And of course, everywhere else I post on-line automatically double-spaces paragraphs for me, but this one doesn't. Sorry for the wall of text.

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Jasini link
12/23/2013 12:49:06 pm

And of course, everywhere else I post on-line automatically double-spaces paragraphs for me, but this one doesn't. Sorry for the wall of text.

And now it won't take this comment (or it's taken it three times. Can't really tell either way.).

Reply
Nathaniel
12/24/2013 02:49:49 am

I get my comment notifications by e-mail, so I read this there, where the art of double-spacing is well-preserved. ;)

Thanks for the encouragement and prayers, and I'm more than happy to reciprocate. [reciprocal hugs] Honestly, I felt worlds better simply having written this post; I daresay I do remember now what it feels like to be happy on a regular basis.

I'm very middle-of-the-road when it comes to politics; I'm willing to listen to and vote for practically anybody if they make a good case for themselves. Likewise, I'll read anybody's blog if the presentation catches my interest. I'll take a peek!

Also, your son is a very cool cat who's been incredibly supportive of my work and all of us at GameCola, so kudos on raising a son with such good taste. ;)

Jasini link
1/13/2014 09:38:53 am

Glad to hear things are going better for you (getting back to your blog three weeks late). :-)

I understand about just writing something out making you feel better. I do the same myself. (Usually in my paper journal, though, not my blog. Somehow pen & paper just feel "realer" to me. ;-) )

Recently, someone commented on my husband's blog something that was obviously heartfelt and well-meaning, but missed the point entirely of what he was trying to say. I realized that I probably did much the same to you, so I wanted to apologize for that.

Hope you and your family are keeping well. :-)

Reply
Jasini link
1/13/2014 09:40:21 am

Glad to hear things are going better for you (getting back to your blog three weeks late). :-)

I understand about just writing something out making you feel better. I do the same myself. (Usually in my paper journal, though, not my blog. Somehow pen & paper just feel "realer" to me. ;-) )

Recently, someone commented on my husband's blog something that was obviously heartfelt and well-meaning, but missed the point entirely of what he was trying to say. I realized that I probably did much the same to you, so I wanted to apologize for that.

Hope you and your family are keeping well. :-)

Reply
Jasini link
1/13/2014 09:42:02 am

Sorry for double posting again.

Reply
Nathaniel link
6/3/2014 05:49:46 am

No worries! Sorry for responding to all my comments, like, half a year later.

Reply
SwordHMX
5/2/2014 08:44:43 pm

Go read Phillipians 4:10. I think of you and add you in my prayer at times. You can be sure there are more who do the same, you just don't know who yet! The next time you feel particularly sad, remember that He may be using that moment to prompt somebody, somewhere to pray for you.

Reply
Nathaniel link
6/3/2014 05:50:15 am

Definitely, and thank you!

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