Writing is often cathartic for me, and such was the case with my last post: I felt better almost immediately after finishing it. Reflecting on my own happiness got me to thinking about what, truly, has been responsible for keeping my default mood so subdued.

The answer? Me.

The things that had been dragging me down—fear, guilt, regret, anxiety, sorrow—were so persistent because my primary response had been to wait for them to change. All my problems would go away if I held on long enough. External forces would eventually assert themselves and alter my situation for the better. This, coming from the control freak. No wonder I was so frequently unhappy.

In the last few days, I've adopted the "Do Something About It" policy: if it bothers me, do something about it. I have the power to wash dishes when I'm tired of looking at the pile next to the sink. I am capable of spending less money so I don't feel so paranoid about my cash flow. I am not required to work on my creative side projects when I honestly don't have the time or drive to do them right. If all it takes is a minor inconvenience in the short term to stifle an issue that'll bug me in the long term, then I'll feel better doing something about it instead of gritting my teeth for days or weeks or months on end.

The "Do Something About It" policy extends beyond the realm of physically doing something, too. Many of the things that annoy and depress me are beyond my ability to change, yet it's up to me whether I allow my negative feelings about them to take me hostage. Does the motorist who fails to use his turn signal really deserve more than a few seconds of righteous frustration from me? Am I a better person for only ever getting sad when I think of my deceased relatives, as though their absence is the only thing worth remembering about them? I lose more than I gain when I dwell on my aggravations and sorrows. Acknowledging them is one thing, but there's a certain point when it's no longer productive—if not outright counter-productive—to focus on the negative.

That's where I find myself now: identifying when it's no longer productive to focus on the negative. Whether by thought or action, I'm making my life a happier one. It's the best I've felt in a long time.

When I think about adjectives I'd use to describe myself, I don't know if "happy" is one of them anymore. I think that's a natural part of life, though; it's not that I'm so depressed or angry that I can't be happy. I enjoy my work. I look forward to coming home and seeing my wife. I have a good time when I'm together with friends and family. I like writing and recording and reading and eating and all sorts of other activities. There are plenty of things that make me happy. But happiness, for me, is more subdued and transitory these days.

I've attended more funerals in the last few years than I have in my entire life. I've watched relationships break apart, watched people break apart with the turmoil and loss in their lives. I know what it feels like to be unemployed; I know what it feels like to feel uncertain about the job I do have. Visits to the doctor and the auto repair shop have gone from rarity to routine. I am acutely aware of how dangerous it can be to drive on some of the roads I frequent. I have become so attuned to the regrets and pains and fears of this life that it seems impossible, or at least irresponsible, to tune them out. I can hardly spend money anymore without thinking of how many people might starve to death tomorrow because I wanted to go out for steak, or how every tiny purchase of "just a couple bucks" is ultimately keeping me from saving up for anything I truly want or need. I don't get more than mildly excited about new movies and video games anymore, because past experience has taught me that I'm likely to be disappointed if I expect anyone from the current generation of filmmakers and developers to deliver anything worth getting excited over. I'm too jaded and preoccupied to be the happy, carefree kid I used to be.

What's liberating about being a Christian is the reassurance that I don't need to worry about this life. I could quote scripture about learning to be content in all circumstances and trusting that all my needs will be met, but I try not to preach what I don't always practice. I've learned to be self-sufficient, and it's often a challenge to let go of that need to be the one in control, even when it's a matter that's clearly beyond my control. I have no doubt that I'd be happier to accept things as they happen and make the most of every situation, good or bad...but at heart, I'm too much of an idealist to "go with the flow" when I think things should be different or should be up to me to change.

What do I do, then? Compromise my idealism? I tried that recently, and the only way to live with myself has been to stop caring altogether. "Insensitive, standardless, but happy" isn't really what I'm going for here. I want to have the kind of faith and confidence that's resistant to worry. I need to be proved wrong every once in a while when I start making assumptions about how bad things are or will be. I ought to spend more time with the people and activities that recharge my positive outlook. I can still recognize and process sadness, anxiety, and failure, but I can satisfy that desire for control by doing everything in my power to ensure those feelings don't overtake the happiness in my life. I wager it's just as unhealthy to let something repress your happiness as it is to let something repress the negative feelings that need some room inside you to breathe.

I think that's my big resolution for the New Year: rediscovering the kind of lasting and vibrant happiness I used to enjoy.

Well, Google, you win. I've resisted you at every turn, publicly decried your decisions and methods, and conscientiously objected to your unwelcome changes with whatever clever subversions I could muster. Finally you've made it so inconvenient to not have Google+ that any further resistance would defeat the purpose of using your services in the first place.

I couldn't comment on my own videos. I had dozens, if not hundreds, of unanswered questions and dangling conversations from my viewers that begged for a response, and you took away my right and privilege to communicate if I didn't sign up for Google+. But then you nullified those conversations without warning—suddenly, Google+ or not, it was physically impossible to respond to any comments posted before a certain date. Was this part of the plan all along, or were you so eager to push your unloved Facebook competitor on us that streamlining the transition didn't matter?

I resented the theft of my voice. I ran out of ways to be upset at you, Google. First the obnoxious popups about connecting my accounts, then the subterfuge that led me to unwittingly set up a Google+ account, then the horrendously organized options pages that brought me this close to inadvertently deleting my entire YouTube channel, then the denial of my basic ability to talk to my fans without playing your little game, then the denial of my basic ability to talk to my fans who'd been waiting for months or merely minutes for a response. No amount of resistance, criticism, or outright complaining could satisfy my rage. I had been grumpy before about change for the sake of change; this time your agenda was clear, and this time, I was angry. This is not the creature of habit talking who'd prefer to leave well enough alone; this is the person who despises being bullied and taken for a fool by someone he trusts.

Today, I grudgingly but willingly signed up for your Google+. Today, you deprived me of one of the greatest joys I have from making videos: checking my e-mail the day after posting a long-awaited video to discover a deluge of subscriber and comment notifications, and taking my time to read through and appreciate each and every one. Today, after posting a video that's been in the works for two months, my inbox was empty.

I don't receive notification e-mails if I'm not signed up for Google+, you see, despite there being e-mail notification options in YouTube whether I've connected Google+ or not. You ever put on a performance only to have the audience stare at you instead of clap when you're finished? That's what this felt like. And navigating to the comments section of the video to see if anybody had said anything was like listening to the audience members talk amongst themselves on their way out of the theater. I was no longer involved in my own videos. I had become a cyber stork who left newborn videos on my subscribers' doorsteps before disappearing from their lives. So I swallowed my righteous pride and admitted defeat. Making videos isn't worth the effort without the human connection, but the human connection, I thought, might be more important than refusing to compromise my principles in the face of a corporation who isn't even listening.

I had fun populating my Google+ page with ridiculous information, claiming to be a Super Fighting Robot who works at Dr. Light's Lab and who went to school for special weapons use at the Challenge stages of Mega Man 10. Under better circumstances, Google could have persuaded me to at least create an account for the sake of better publicity—after all, I signed up for Twitter, which I neither like nor fully understand, so that people who prefer Twitter can get automatic updates about my blogging and YouTube activity that way. I'm not unwilling to try new things, but their value needs to be made clear to me if they're not forced upon me. As it stands, I feel dirty for joining Google+ because I neither wanted to nor was truly forced to. It's a little like being blackmailed—do I give in to the villain's demands to maintain the status quo, or do I preserve my sense of morality at the expense of something potentially greater?

I started to get anxious when, after two hours of setting up Google+, I still wasn't receiving e-mail notifications—as though I'd sacrificed my principles for nothing. That situation righted itself after enough time had passed, but I'm still finding brand-new comments I cannot respond to, and if I never have to wade through all those settings menus again, it'll be too soon. To me, that's the big tip-off that Google+ was never intended to be so integrated with YouTube: multiple settings menus that all seem to say the same thing and have a delay of several hours before the changes in one place take effect at the other place.

So I'm on Google+ now. It's not the end of the world. Maybe I'll end up using it or even liking it. One thing's for certain, though: Unless Google gets their act together and either streamlines or apologizes for this mess, it won't take much for a man who's already abandoned his principles to abandon the company that pushed him over the edge.

My predictions last month about what I'd have to show for myself this month might've been ambitious, but they weren't entirely off the mark. Some of the specifics didn't come to fruition—I'm still working on the next installment of my Mega Man 7 playthrough—but gee golly did my other accomplishments balance out my oracular oversights. In short, November was pretty awesome, if not in terms of quality then in terms of sheer productivity.

This Blog:

Funny; I thought I'd be writing less for this blog and more for GameCola. Most of these posts are reactions to things going on in my life at the time, so there was no shortage of inspiration. Though these have a more serious bent to them, I'm pleased that I seem to be shifting away from "serious because I'm complaining" and toward "serious because I'm being philosophical."

- Retrospective: October 2013
- The Value of a Vote
- Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
- Burning the Camera at Both Ends
- An Addendum
- The Analytical Gamer

GameCola:

Funny; I thought I'd be writing more for GameCola and less for this blog. Partly because I haven't been playing too many new games to write about, and partly because I've been spending all my GameCola time on making videos and editing articles, the podcast is the only item here that really counts (and it's definitely one of my better podcasts). The video post was slapped together to conclude our extended celebration of The END DAY, and the review was written at the end of October, so I feel like a slacker. Of course, behind the scenes, I was laying the foundation for our next RPG podcast, too...

Podcasts:
- GC Podcast #68: Of Consoles and Peripherals

Reviews:
- King's Quest V: Absence Makes the Heart Go Yonder! (PC)

Videos:
- Crystalis: NES vs. GBC

YouTube:

Whoa! It's rare for the GameCola YouTube channel to have so much new content in a single month, let alone so much new content for which I am partially or entirely responsible. The bad fanfiction podcast, like all our podcasts on YouTube, is a repackaging of content from the main GameCola site, but the playthrough videos are particularly novel—the conclusion to what might be the first full playthrough of the Game Boy Color Crystalis remake on the entire Internet, and my first-ever blind playthrough of a game with live audio commentary (co-starring my wife, at that). It's been a long time since I've been this excited about making videos, and I think you're going to start seeing more live/blind playthroughs from me, for better or worse. And hey, the penultimate installment of the 2012 Mega Man marathon arrived, too!

GCDotNet:
- Crystalis (GBC) - Part 8: Harder, Deader, Faster, Stronger
_- Crystalis (GBC) - Part 9: Pyramid Life Crisis
- Crystalis (GBC) - Part 10: By Your Powers Combined, I Am...Not as Powerful as You'd Expect
- Hacks'n'Slash #4: Metroid High School
- Let's Play Mega Pony BLIND - Part 1: Friendship Is Painful
- Let's Play Mega Pony BLIND - Part 2: Making Friends With the Wrong Spike
- Let's Play Mega Pony BLIND - Part 3: Discorderly Conduct

DashJumpTV:
- Megathon 2012: Mega Man 10 (Wii) - Part I

The Backloggery:

This might not look like much, but that's because I've been spending most of my gaming time on longer games that can't be beaten in only a few sittings (unless you're insanely good or in full-on marathon mode). Furthermore, I've been spending some time working toward full completion status on the occasional game that I beat months or years ago, and that generally takes longer, what with all the secret-searching and additional dying on Hard Mode and whatnot. Next month should be pretty substantial, though.

New:
- Mega Pony  (PC)

Beat:
- Mega Pony  (PC)

Completed:
- Mr. Robot  (Steam)

November feels like another turning point in my writing and recording careers; I'm excited to see how things develop from here.