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A Reflection on a Reflection

6/21/2016

2 Comments

 
A couple months ago, I Iooked in the mirror in the morning and saw a ghost of the man I was expecting to see. Pallid, sluggish, slouching, and with frighteningly dark circles under my eyes, I resembled the undernourished children or sad-looking animals you see in those heartbreaking TV commercials asking for donations. The only thing missing was Sarah McLachlin singing about me as I struggled to apply deodorant. "For only 20 minutes of your time, you could send this man to bed a little earlier." I hadn't been taking good care of myself, and this was the visual alarm I needed to bring attention to the matter.

I believe that there are four major kinds of fulfillment that every person needs: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Everyone seeks them from different sources and needs them in different amounts, but they're all equally important. For me, good food, sleeping in on weekends, hugs, taking walks, and the perks of being married (namely, getting to hold my loved one while we're watching TV; I'm not sure what you're thinking of) are how I usually get my physical fix. I get emotional satisfaction from doing a good job of something, helping others, singing, writing, and immersing myself in escapist entertainment. Intellectually, I need to pick things apart and analyze them, apply my creative problem-solving skills, and discuss topics of substance with the people around me. On a spiritual level, I am energized by affirmations that my life is important and is making a difference in the world; I am refreshed by devotionals, Bible studies, and being part of a community that shares my religious faith; and I need the perspectives of people who don't share my beliefs so that I'm better equipped to differentiate truth from Truth. Over the last few years, my priorities have gotten misaligned, and it's only recently that I've realized how neglectful I've been of myself.

This morning, I looked in the mirror and saw that same ghost. I wasn't expecting to see him again so soon; the last couple months have been an exercise in self-care, and I've made it a point to follow a curfew befitting a working adult. But I am not the only factor in my own well-being. I worked a 13-hour day last Thursday, with my only break being 20 minutes to grab a burrito for dinner. On Friday, I worked past midnight. I've had a string of appointments and long car trips (made longer by terrible traffic). Every time I turn on my computer, I see news about another avoidable tragedy, and more evidence that it's unhealthy for this country's election cycle to last so long. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, life circumstances have been running me ragged. I've spent the last several days devoting my precious little free time to a regimen of aggressive relaxation, and that's the only reason I haven't cracked yet. That's caregiving 101, right? You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself.

Through all of this, I've realized that I've been working too hard to take care of myself. There will always be things beyond my control that impact how I feel, but I've put myself in a situation where the negative surprises routinely outweigh the positive. If I really want to take care of myself, and banish that ghost for good, I need to change my circumstances, not keep fighting against them. I need to surround myself with the people and things that build me up, not just seek them out after being beaten down. It's time to make some changes.
2 Comments
Jasini
6/21/2016 12:56:23 pm

Hope you can get some good rest soon.

My husband has been working 60+ hours the last few months, and it's really wearing him down. He's also working on getting fit at the same time. It's gotten to the point I was almost relieved when work decided they weren't going reimburse us if he took a class this summer, because it was that much less pressure. He's on vacation this week, and will probably still be putting in 40 hours. (And trying to figure out how to log it, since the computer won't let him do vacation and work on the same day. Fortunately, he works from home at least half the time, which helps considerably.

I've been working at McD's for the past year. Somewhere along the line, my manager decided that I was reliable enough that she wanted me to be the opener. 4 days a week, 4 a.m. Yippie Skippie. I'm working around 30 hours a week, but it is still wearing me out. Add in the fact that the air conditioning isn't working right in the grill area, and by the time I get off, I need a long nap to even think about doing anything else, and very little brain power to do the writing I want to. Barely enough to read.

They're going to be tearing the building down soon, and I've put myself down for a leave of absence during the rebuild. (They've only been talking about doing this since October. 2013.) My manager keeps asking what I'll be doing during that time. Sleeping, breathing, enjoying the air conditioning. Oh, and hopefully writing. ;-)

Sorry, this got longer than I intended. Hope I'm not *too* annoying.

Reply
Jasini
6/21/2016 12:58:49 pm

BTW, I miss your wife's lunch drawings. :-(

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    This work by Nathaniel Hoover is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.
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